1. |
Prologue
01:28
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2. |
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I watch the T.V. searching for truth in this 2D reality.
oh but screen why do you stop me? why do you reject me?
well tell that remote it never should have turned me on!
because I'll just turn you onto something that's not even real.
and all these celebrities, they're not really content, or else
they wouldn't have to sell you how they feel.
So I'll put in my CDs, hoping that my ears can explain why I am who I am.
but no one can relate to how I feel because there are so many days
where I can't feel anything at all.
So I'll spend all of my time with my closest friends putting all of my faith into watching it end. oh and if heaven and hell are as real as they say. either one would be better than this place.
I saw my demon by my side. dressed up in black to my neck.
in a picture no human hand took he was fishing for souls and what a beautiful hook.
and I saw myself for who I really was. and just to be honest with you.
I hate it, I hate it! oh there is no one more than I hate more than I.
I'm so tired of living, I'm so tired of living! for the sake of, the sake of getting by.
and they said just look for Jesus cause he lies down deep inside.
well he must be roommates with my death wish and my pride,
but I'm not opening up that door, I swore not anymore!
I'm just looking for a way out, the easiest one I can find.
and I looked and I looked just so I could prove them wrong.
I even bought the fanciest of glasses and I stood them tall.
and I filled them with my hope as I watched in despair as one by one they broke
wondering where I'm supposed to go. but now I'm ready to go God, I'm ready to leave
I'm 16 and I'm already a disease. and I tried all the praying I even got up on my knees, but when I look deep inside my heart you're the last thing that I see.
God I don't see you! well maybe that's my fault.
God if you're real, can't you see I'm dying?
can't you see that I'm dying to find a hope where I don't have to pretend
and I'm dying to find a heart that I don't have to mend.
I'm dying to find a God that's more than just a trend because
I need more than a name to take away this shame.
and I'm dying to find a smile that last more than a day
I'm dying to find a cure that'll come and flood my grave.
I'm dying to find a reason, just one reason to stay
in this land of misery where death comes out to prey.
and I'm dying to find the reason why I am still existing if you're not listening then dear
bullet keep persisting, to kiss me on the forehead like you've done in all my dreams
we'll become the greatest of lovers among all of these things.
and God if you're real just give me one reason to believe God if you're real then
reveal yourself to me. cause I don't see you, I don't feel, I don't hear you, and I sure don't know you! and God I don't believe! if you are real the reveal yourself to me.
(there is no God, there is no hope for you. because even if there was a God he wouldn't waste his time on someone like you. you're a disease. you're the scum of the earth. you're the worst kind of person there is. you're mine.)
God just give me one reason to believe!
God: go back to hell where you are from, your days of wickedness are done inside this boy that I choose to call my son. Go back to hell!
and 3 years later by his grace I'm living in the story that never ends.
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3. |
I Often Wander
06:23
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if I keep defying your will, I'll be writing my own sooner than I ever intended to. and God why is it so easy to lose sight of you?
the only one I know that I will never lose.
and I wonder why I can't feel you while I'm so busy feeling up her thighs inside my mind. oh the places it takes me.
and I wonder why I can't hear you while I'm so busy letting the opinions of my fellow man trump the truth that was born of you.
and I wonder why I can't see you while I'm so busy diving off the planks inside my eyes into the sea of apathy.
I feel as if I'm walking through quick sand and even it's given up on me so now I'm stuck here with buried feet waiting on the world to bury me.
I spent so long just learning what it took to survive that I never took the time to learn what it meant to be alive and oh my God reveal yourself to me and give these eyes the only thing that they desire to see.
oh I just want to see you.
I just want to see you the way that I was meant to. and I don't care if I am blinded by your glory my Lord as long as these eyes have seen the only thing that they were ever created for.
why is it so easy to lose sight of the only one I know I'll never lose.
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4. |
Sweet Serenity
05:48
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5. |
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If only I had the faith if only I had the faith
to move these mountains like these valleys that I carry on my back
then maybe just maybe I wouldn't be lower than my lowest point.
and I called them home God I called them my own,
but it was my own selfish desire that lies so deep inside,
but God these lies are deep inside and they built up a kingdom over time.
oh but God it wasn't yours it sure as hell wasn't pure forgive me God
for me human nature.
what a pathetic excuse that we love more than you
what a pathetic excuse that we use more than you
well if this is the game that we're playing then I guess I'll just go murder
a cookie cutter family and then I'll blame it on the human nature
that lies inside of me and there goes your oh so beloved mom and
dad well if morals are out the window then I guess it's just my bad.
and you can't start accusing just cause I can't think straight
I've been influenced by everything this world has got to say
and it tells me that I am my own king and I can have it my own way
so get out of my way.
and in the world in which we're living there is no more cheerful giving
it's always for a trade, preferably something better
but i'm still waiting on the day when someone will just hand me
their sweater cause I'm cold and not because they desire the matches
that my trembling hands hold. well now we're even but we're both cold.
Something's not right I know you can feel it inside something's not right!
and if this is the way we're playing now then I guess I'll just go be my own king of my own dominion and base all my laws off of my own, my own selfish opinion. and then I'll dance around the throne that my crafty hands have made and I'll proudly wear the crowd that represents the grave cause that's where we're all heading if we continue to live this way. and I don't know about you but I'm so sick of it all. and if there is no God to judge if there is no reason to love then tell me why are we here tell me why are we here.
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6. |
In the Land of Doubt
07:43
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These words were never truly mine to ever speak
and this has never truly been my own voice
and it was never my own footsteps that led me to this choice.
These have never truly been any of my own songs
I just heard his perfect melody and decided to play along
this has never been just a one man band
ever since the day that I was born there's been anothers hand.
in the making of making me speak of my maker who's constantly making me new just so that I can speak to you.
so dear lover come and find a love that won't leave you out to dry in this wasteland that they've deemed to be your pitiful heart.
to the seeker come and find a truth that will build you up once it's done tearing you apart.
to the speaker come and hear a word that will change the way you speak forever cause I know just how exhausting it can be when you're trying to hold your own life together.
what if I told you that Jesus of Nazareth wasn't as far as you've always thought and that you couldn't sell your soul to the Devil cause it's been bought for a price that no man or being could ever think to pay and that you have as many chances as the numbers in your days.
and that he won't just forgive your sins but forgive them one by one as long as repentance crawls up your lungs and tickles your tongue. so to all those who think they received nothing upon their birth, staring pensively into the crystal ball depicting worth. well come and spill out all of your own negativity upon the canvas Christ has painted with his creativity.
and you were always just searching, always searching for a sign, but when it hits you in the face you say well it doesn't align with the prayer that you sent up and the sign in which you sought well let me just go tell perfection that there's miscalculations in his thoughts.
and you say well what has your God ever really done for me, well I'd say that it's a blessing that you have the ability to think or to speak against the one who spoke you, who spoke you to be. you say he's gifted you with pain and memories of that wicked day when you were molested as a child to young to know your name. oh but child he knew your name and he wants you to carry no shame, no more shame.
and you're not really mad at God you are disgusted with humanity for he first made it perfect then we ruined it out of jealousy, oh we wanted to see what it'd be like to know, what it's like to be God. and if we could full comprehend him, well he wouldn't be our God he would just be a man in his hand a religious plot. oh to make the world change for the better with only himself in mind well there's more to that than this and I pray you'll see it in all good time.
and there was more than one eye witness who saw Jesus once he rose, just ask Thomas about the wound in which his doubtful hand imposed and he'll tell you that he doubted the same way that you are now even though he physically watched him walk to the grave.
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7. |
Obitus Mors
05:37
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8. |
Mardi Alvarez
06:09
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She was only 16 and a younger version of herself was only just a dream but the sex was oh so very real. to the point where it became the only way she knew how to feel. it became her way out and her escape, but what started out as an average date ended as a gruesome rape. and her insides went from carrying joy to carrying the life of a baby boy.
she was only 17. faced with the decision of life or death, but nobody mentioned that it wasn't her body at all, but instead two arms and two legs that were dying to crawl. it was only a few weeks old so technically not alive, at least that's what she was told because that's the idea that our whore of a media has sold. maybe a seed isn't a tree but it has every right to be.
now she's 24 and every time that she sees a boy around the age of 7 she wants to take his hand and run but even she knows that there aren't enough stairs to reach where he truly lies.
now she's 28, constantly driving by her local middle school hoping that he'll one day just walk through that gate. she eagerly waits and watches from her living room window for the bus to stop, (but it never stops!) (but it never stops!) (just like the years as the guilt ways down)
Now she's 32. the same age as the mother that conceived me, the same one that freed me, from her whom and even though I've never seen her I'd rather that than to have her delivering flowers to my tomb. Our relationship is made up of letters and pictures and I pray that I will one day meet her so thank I can thank her for picturing me as something more valuable than a dying fetus on the floor.
we just want excuses for our sin along with moral justification, so mothers treat their fetuses as if they've committed some sort of infiltration. this is the reaping of mixing doctors that lack conviction with the fact that murder has become an opinion. and I don't care if this makes you offended, in fact I pray it does if that's what it takes for you to see all of the hearts they could have mended. he could have changed the world! she could have changed the world!
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9. |
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Well you say that this just isn't your season, but you don't know if it will be your last. and you are trying to conquer your future while holding on so tightly to the past.
and it's the choice that we all make that ends up killing us in the end.
God oh my God what have I become? nothing more than a trend.
we're eating microwave steaks taking cigarette breaks, wondering why our insides aren't clean. well why does it matter if I kill myself cause after all the preacher said God could heal anything. wasting away.
what a pretty face she holds. is it as pretty as the child that you'll be holding 9 months from now? you say well it was just one night of fun
now it's a lifetime of wondering if you should of pulled the trigger of that gun you're so selfish!
we want a savior not Lord, we don't want a bride but a whore that will give away everything she has free oh and how we love your grace and how we love to use it to excuse everything we've ever done.
and we don't want discipleship because it cost everything and we're afraid to surrender even though we are not free. oh my God.
this isn't how we were meant to live.
I'd rather you mock my God and all my beliefs than to sit there and try on the clothes so you can keep wallowing in your grave oh while you claim that you are saved you're just making it as confusing as hell.
forgive me for I've been praying for heaven to come more than I've been praying for others to it. father forgive me, where have we gone?
oh God I now see that I am not enough, but my God you are. you're enough, God you're enough.
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10. |
Wasted Years
06:28
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11. |
It's only Jesus
04:39
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12. |
Perspectives
05:18
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13. |
I Often Wonder
06:07
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14. |
Speak
04:43
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15. |
Why Death and I Broke Up
07:26
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16. |
Listen
03:15
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Speak my Lord. Come now Lord. Come my Lord.
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17. |
Praise the Redeemer
04:24
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18. |
In Spite of Me
06:53
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Dear God I feel as if I'm just another brick inside this wall
I planted my garden in the desert wondering, "God when will the rain fall?"
And I almost made it to heaven until you told me I had to crawl
now my knees are bruised and I've as many holes inside this heart as my shoes.
My time is better with you.
My life is better with you.
My heart has been made new.
I am free.
only by your grace could you ever love me.
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19. |
Sincerely, your Son
05:06
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20. |
Amen
12:01
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Joe Lane Little Rock, Arkansas
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